Angels and Demons
Why do people get married? No, why do people in India have to get married? Its like, they have to. They’ve got to. What’s a social taboo?! That people who don’t get married by 30 (ahem, women only) are either crazy or impotent, or promiscuous(as we all know). And what is with this age-limit that you got to be married by 25 if you’re from a respectable family. Often I hear one of my relatives speaking to my mom going on about how XYZ bhabi’s daughter is not getting married… I mean, she’s TWENTY-SIX for God’s sake! She’s old. Oh my God, see she’s sagging! Another year or two, she’ll be dead! Uhh, won’t she? Anyway, she’ll be too old and no guy will look at her.
And if you select your own husband, God help you! You have gone against the nature. It is a personal assault on your character! You are characterless, going on drooling after men when you should have been neck-deep in books??!! And if you are fortunate enough to have a love marriage (where the guy selects the girl of his choice), your mother-in-law will kill you.. And if God gave her the chance, she’d kill you twice! Didn’t you steal her right to select the perfect doll for him?! She would have gone through all her relatives (jethanis and devaranis) ranting about “I am looking for a nice girl for my Abhi.. Aapki nazar mein koi ho toh..” Endless photographs, the matrimonial website surfings, the many times when she’d go meet a could-be wife for the son. So many rejections (and boasting to her friends “Mere Abhi ke liye toh solah rishte aaye the”). And when finally, the ultimate sarva-gun-sampann bahu is selected and the marriage date is fixed, she would go around everywhere carrying her photo in her purse showing it around (Meri pasand hai!!) I mean, did you spoil the FUN or what?!
Is it generation gap that’s making me say this, or am I stating a near-truth when I say that it is a game for them. A fun thing! A mother would think, if she has raised a child she damn well has the right to choose his/her life partner. But tell me guys, is it fair? Is it really fair? Do they actually have the right to choose who we are going to live with (suffer, mostly when they choose) for the rest of our lives. I mean if I am going to live with a man for the next thirty or forty years, do I not have the right to have a say in the matter? My mom says, looks don’t matter.. Well, to her they must not. To me, they do! Is that wrong? Is it inappropriate to feel this way? Or am I being a bad kid if I like something more than my mom wants me to?
And say I do make a mistake in choosing a guy for me, it will be my mistake!! My decision that I took for my life. I will be bitter, but atleast I’ll have the honest contentment that I made a bad judgement. I will question my judgement. I made a mistake, and I pay for it. Why should I pay for my mother’s mistake? Some time or the other in my marriage I am bound to regret being married, because not everything about him will please me. And what’s the guarantee that it’ll work out with the guy my folks choose for me. I don’t want to blame my mother for such a mistake. I don’t want to silently begrudge her, or be hurt about the fact that my marriage failed because she chose the wrong guy for me. I don’t want her to live my life. I don’t want her to choose my groom because her mom chose hers.
And what if I have a boyfriend while I’m still in college? Ah, that tells a lot about my character. And the values my parents have given me. And my genes. And his genes. And my friends. And their families. And our collected reputations plus characters. So people, the conclusion is that if I go out with a guy on a few dates and talk to him on the phone at night, it shows that I have no character and that my parents have never given me any sanskaar(s). Everything is falsified if I fall in love. Also, the incorrigible notion in their minds that if I am ‘going out’, I am inevitably going to ignore studies. If I want to study, I will. End of story. So go on, make the connection and be sure to tell me about it!
I make a mess of my relationship. Supposing my boyfriend gets me pregnant and ditches me, or he is abusive. It is totally my fault to get myself into an unhealthy relationship. I should have known better. Now, is it correct to humiliate me further by taunts and mockings by my parents? Or me being beaten up by my relatives/parents? I know I did a huge mistake. But when I know I did a huge mistake, the natural conclusion is that I will be feeling sorry about it. So what should be my parent’s approach? Give me the option of committing suicide, or help me through it because hasn’t life taught me my lesson already? Are parents our guardians, or chaukidars? Are they an anchor that stabilises our lives, or a looming presence burdening our shoulders with the weight of the world (this is appropriate and that is not?)
When parents turn into the hostile party, when they just hear and don’t listen, when they load their own shortcomings and unfulfilled dreams upon out shoulders, we become donkeys. We hide. We lie. We hurt. We don’t trust, and are not worth trusting.
The basic question is: They have given birth to us. And they have raised us. So, do they own us?
P.S. I have quoted myself in the post, to achieve a more personal approach. These are hypothetical examples only.
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“Angels and Demons”